Listen for What's Working in the Conversation

Even when we think we hear each other perfectly, most of us are trained to listen for what’s going wrong—without realizing it. That was the case for Oliver and Ben, two brothers adjusting to living together, after a year apart and very different life experiences. Arguments kept popping up, growing in intensity and frequency. 

But what if they shifted their attention toward what was working? Sometimes, noticing the parts of a relationship that run smoothly is the quickest way to ease tension and spark better communication.

It was a genuine sigh of relief for Oliver when his brother, Ben, offered him a room after returning home from a year-long exchange program in Spain.  When the brothers agreed to be roommates, they had a sense of supporting each other with the anticipation of a smooth transition into adulthood and mutually longing for each other’s success.  They were grateful—at least at first.

Who are you?

Growing up in the same home, Oliver and Ben were familiar with having to share space, talk -and yes, argue- with each other.  As adults and living on their own, they increased and diversified their experiences.  Oliver had been abroad; Ben had been working full-time and living on his own.  They were also addressing more complex issues.  A few months under the same roof, they realized they had far less in common than they remembered.

Then the arguments began.

Whenever Oliver tried to coordinate household chores, Ben agreed to the plan. But when Oliver found dirty dishes in the sink, he assumed Ben was ignoring the agreement--again.  Bringing it up over and over only inflamed the conflict, with Ben eventually walking away in frustration.

Both brothers had shifted from their family’s approach to maintaining the kitchen.  They were each committed to their unique approaches, proving to be useful for their individual lifestyles. To work together, they chose to be open to neither being “wrong” and the possibility that both methods could work in a shared space.

Often, the familiarity of patterns is a strong attraction and sense of ease between family members.  But when someone changes a pattern it’s motivated due to a strong force (such as a strong personal preference, a new belief system, social pressure, strong experiences – such as threat of harm, etc).  Stepping back to consider the motivation behind a change can be the path toward a more collaborative living situation.

For example, they could start by exploring different approaches that work well for each of them. Oliver might ask, “How did you handle the kitchen before I moved in?” Ben might suggest creating a chore chart that honors their differences—schedules, habits, and energy levels.  Agreeing to try something new for a trial period gave the brothers a chance to notice what worked well enough, even if it wasn’t their preferred way.  This is tough, because it’s natural for people to prefer their established patterns. 

Still, honoring the benefits of a change helps families shift focus—from “What’s wrong here?” to “What’s working, that we can build on?”  Recognizing someone’s intent or motivation opens up the door to new possibilities.

May be going different directions but can get there together.

In the end, that’s what helped Oliver and Ben recalibrate. By redirecting their attention toward successful moments—and staying curious instead of defensive—they built positive momentum. Listening for what’s working doesn't deny the challenges; it anchors the relationship in understanding. And often, those small moments of acknowledgment are exactly what prevent big conflicts from erupting.

What works best for your family to get through differences of opinion?  What’s something new your family has learned to adapt to since the children have become adults?

At Dawn of Well-Being we're ready to help your family shift from a stalemate to listening for what is working in your conversations.  Contact us today to schedule a time to discuss your situation and explore effective pathways.