What do you mean you don’t understand me?

By Karen Tucker Lynch 

November 20, 2025 

There are many transitions in life – adult children moving out, new family members coming, aging parents, etc. – which will result in examining our habits while talking with people.  Why is family communication impacted while we go through transitions?  It seems that there’s an assumption that interactions amongst family members don’t change.  And just as soon as it’s figured out, we’re into a new life phase with a brand-new set of challenges.   

Let’s explore some common communication struggles that occur in our valuable relationships and how to mitigate them without giving up on the people close to us.  Let’s use an example of a couple of brothers, Oliver and Ben.   

It was a sigh of relief for Oliver when his brother, Ben, offered a room upon returning home from his exchange year in Spain.  When the brothers agreed to be roommates, they had a sense of supporting each other with the anticipation of a smooth transition into adulthood, with mutually longing for each other’s success.  They were grateful that they wouldn’t have to figure out how to talk to new roommates.  

The basic definition of interpersonal communication is the exchange of messages between people with the goal of creating shared meaning and managing relationships.  Many of us don’t think much about the process of talking with others.  Least of all with our family members.  As a communication and family coach, it’s clear to me that we underestimate the value of focusing on creating and deepening quality interactions, especially in the family. 

The power & beauty of communicating with others 

Talking with each other is the most common way we connect.  When we engage – through verbal and non-verbal interactions – with friendliness and appreciation as a foundation, the best results can come from an exchange.  We are compelled to connect with others to meet the needs of social connection, to shape our relationships, to build trust, resolve problems, and to create something greater than we can come up with on our own.  When it works well, we can sense the positive difference that is made, often extending outside of the group.  

When it doesn’t work, we all know the feeling of discomfort and the desire to walk away and never go back to that broken relationship.  It’s hard enough to manage successfully interacting with one other person.  It is increasingly complicated within groups.  Of course, there are certain groups that we can’t simply stop talking to, without significant consequences.   

The full spectrum of the power and beauty of interpersonal communication can be witnessed in a family system.  Many times there’s comfortable sharing, laughing and the unique language that is special only within one’s family.  In contrast to the dysfunctionality that raises the question whether the best action is to walk away and develop a completely different family of choice.  Most families find that they go through phases of smooth discussions and then struggle and then go back to being able to connect in a way that can’t be matched with anyone else.   

Through the years, Oliver and Ben had figured out how to share and talk with each other, while living in their family home.  Now, they are adults and address more complex issues.  They have both increased and diversified their experiences.  After a few months of living together, it seemed that they had a lot less in common than they remembered. 

How it works 

How do we adapt to the changes in our interactions as relationships shift and change? 

To understand what went sideways between Oliver and Ben, it helps to revisit the basic interpersonal communication model. (See the diagrammed below, as suggested by Shannon-Weaver Model of Communication.)  We send messages to the receiver (ie a person).  The receiver decodes the message, preparing feedback, becoming the sender and the process continues in a circular motion.  Many describe it as a tool for exchanging thoughts and ideas, a process to construct meaning together.  There are many who find conversations as a process to elevate the shared experience to a higher level that allows for upliftment of connecting with another and creating inspired decision making with greater unity amongst the participants.      

As we start to look at actual conversations, the process comes alive and it becomes evident that talking together is not always simple.  For example, the way by which we select our language, the choice of words and structure of comments, can influence how we identify options and discover mutual efforts for a successful discussion.  The receiver of a comment also holds responsibility to be aware of how they are decoding (or interpreting) the message and how they respond, as the conversation continues.  Even amongst families, we might ask ourselves, how do we adjust to talking together outside of our home as we transition into adulthood?  

After a while, Oliver and Ben started to increasingly argue.  They would seem to agree on something and then the other wouldn’t follow through.  Trying to address the issues frequently resulted in someone walking away frustrated or escalating to a big fight.  Out of concern for their relationship and living arrangement, they agreed to coach together.   

The coaching objectives were established by creating agreements for a peaceful living arrangement and to decrease the escalation of the arguments.  While getting to know the brothers, they each described their current house agreements.  As they progressed through sharing their situation, they both started to share the discrepancies and points of disagreement.   

It may be surprising to consider that there are some words that come across very differently between people.  Or, how a response is structured.  For example, “You don’t let me get a word in” might be rephrased as “I need time before giving you a response.”  This creates a shift from putting the responsibility for the inability to engage on one person.  Instead it creates a request for extra time to provide mutual efforts to play a part in creating a solution.  When the selection of the words is carefully considered, each word is honored for its own power and effect. 

Even with quality selection of how messages are sent and received, the process can be disrupted by noise.  We’ve all tried talking to someone around loud music or while mentally distracted.  We are all familiar with adjusting for external noise in the environment.  We’re also increasingly aware that some people may have noise that we are not aware of during conversations by phone or video.  Internal noise is frequently generated by our inner voice, which frequently runs an ongoing dialogue.  For example, each family has its own slang and patterns. 

While working on creating goals for the coaching sessions it provided the opportunity to get a sense of how the brothers interacted with each other.  Exploring each person’s unique perspective helped to inform their pattern of interpersonal communication.  Listening and watching these brothers talking together, it started to become apparent that they were not really in the same conversation.  They were both appropriately developing a message and sending it, as I would expect.  For the most part, it appeared that they were both receiving the messages but apparently there may have been internal noise that was not being identified.  The question became what kind of ‘noise’ might be happening within Oliver and/or Ben?  For example, I noticed that Oliver was quicker than Ben to speak and respond.   

Another form or internal influence on interpersonal communication is each person’s learning style.  It has been demonstrated that people learn in a variety of ways, as in how to receive information (i.e. verbally, visually, deep learner, etc.)  I have found that these ways of learning also apply to how we interact with others and the world around us.  A mismatch of styles between people can create disruptive noise while talking together.   

As I observed Oliver and Ben, it was evident that Ben was a verbal learner/communicator.  (As demonstrated by his ability to be bilingual.)  In contrast, Oliver was more of a deep learner, taking time to process what’s being said.  By the time Oliver translated the message and figured out how he felt about it and how to put his feelings into words, Ben was onto the next subject, or assumed there was agreement.    

Unity in Diversity 

Taking time to consider that each participant in a conversation has their own internal voice and noise, will allow awareness for the diversity of experiences by each participant.  For example, making a practice of observing how people are motivated by good and understandable reasons.  This helps shift to an assumption that the other person’s action is based on an intention rooted in striving for connection. To help find the point of agreement is to look for, and find, the positive intent between all who are engaged.   

Pausing the conversation, and sharing with Oliver what I was observing, he confirmed his internal process.  After being acknowledged for his valid experience, Oliver was able to find language to share with Ben the experience of not having time to process his thoughts and feelings with most of their conversations.  Ben was shocked and saddened to realize that this was his brother’s experience.  As they started to recognize the uniqueness of each other, they were able to consider new methods of communicating. 

A place to start can be returning to the different ways participants in the conversation engage, considering the diverse standards for sending messages, diverse internal processes influencing how people receive messages.  Somehow, most of our discussions have occurred in all these different ways and we still come together in sharing experiences, feelings, ideas, and so much more.  Through efforts to create unity in this atmosphere of fellowship, our conversations can take on qualities that could be described as a spiritual conference.  A connection similar to how Oliver and Ben made – beyond words – at the heart-to-heart level.  Sometimes even greater than our hearts. 

What’s Working? 

The familiar and unique way family members talk with each other is a good example of the basic connection between one person and another.  Often interactions range from a simple nod of good morning to rapid exchange about current events, or who’s making dinner.  We all play our part in simple and complex engagement with others.  Once the brothers understood their different processing styles, they were able to add levels of complexity to their conversations. There was greater ease in finding points of agreement, resolving disagreements, and/or participating in meaningful and uplifting discussions, deepening the depth of their connection.   

For example, gaining the awareness by both Oliver and Ben that they process information differently, they recognize that the frustrations were not malicious.  Gaining the language for what he needs, Oliver can ask for more time to process requests for changes to household routines.  Or, if Ben realizes that his brother may not have recognized the intention and feelings behind the words, he could slow down and pause. Giving Oliver time to pick up the feelings while continuing to process the previous statement. 

In the simplest terms, interpersonal communication is the full range of people engaging together.  Most of our interactions range between a simple comment to sharing a part of what makes each person who they are and defining themselves in relation to the others in the conversation, other people, communities and beyond.  When it works well, there is a flow and connection between all involved, building confidence to return to more opportunities to engage. 

Oliver and Ben were grateful to find a pathway to reconnecting.  It allowed them to honor the positive intention of each other.  Allowing for the full interpersonal communication, with the diverse methods of sending, receiving, and processing. They found that they could connect more deeply as adult brothers and roommates. 

How are you doing? 

Communication skills are key to quality dialogues and they provide a means for everyone to interact with others in freer, more responsible and more satisfying ways.  Often, the greatest source of learning the skills of interpersonal communication is through trial and error or, making one adjustment with positive intent for improving connection with another person.  

As you start to find that you’re struggling with engaging with someone, you might first consider which aspect of the process of the interaction or the environment of the discussion that is being disrupted.  Is it the sending or receiving a message?  Maybe external or internal noise?  Consider these suggestions to improve end results during difficult conversations. 

1. Listen for what is working in the conversation. 

2. For as much as people may be using the same language, they may use it differently.  Consider how you use your words. 

3. Consider how people might be taking your words to mean something different than you intended.  Don’t consider this as wrong, just different and an opportunity to learn more about the differences in the world. 

4. Be honest about how your internal noise impacts the conversation.  Acknowledge that the other person’s internal noise may be influencing their part of the exchange.   

5. Get curious before reacting.